Does Being a People Pleaser Drive Others Away
Can you say “No” or do you think always saying yes to others will create a better relationship with them? If you recognise yourself as a people pleaser, have you ever wondered if your behaviour is driving others away rather than drawing them closer? Perhaps you don’t think that your “yes man” attitude is a problem, but perhaps you need to re-evaluate things in your life if you want this year to be different to all the previous years. In this article we examine some aspects of why being a people pleaser is not good for relationships; and what you can do to change this. Sometimes these patterns are very hard to break and it may be necessary to seek help from a counsellor. Please do reach out if you need to talk to someone.
Do you go above and beyond in all aspects of your life?
Are you known as the person who “never says no” to anyone, even if it isn’t convenient?
People-pleasers are often those who have the busiest schedules and still seem to find the time to meet everyone else’s needs, usually putting others before themselves.
One would think that all of this selfless behaviour would make a people pleaser the most popular and beloved person wherever they went, right? The truth is people pleasing often results in the opposite outcome; it drives people away, which is certainly not what pleasers strive for.
Why People Pleasing Drives Others Away
When people pleasers are engaged in their ingratiating behaviours, it can create a deficit in the reciprocation of the relationship. If one person is excessively giving or doing in a relationship, it shifts the power dynamic, and this can create a destructive pattern in which the receiver chronically feels guilty for not giving as much as they are getting. People pleasers do not set out to make others feel obligated to reciprocate, they often simply want to be liked, appreciated, and valued. Instead, the receiver may begin to feel uncomfortable and withdraw subconsciously.
People pleasers may also be sending an unintended message to others by not being able to set limits or say no. In work settings, particularly, these behaviours may signal to others that the person is underselling themselves, which may result in a bias that the pleaser is not as skilled and is trying to make up for that somehow. Colleagues may also view a pleaser as a suck up to authority, which can create feelings of resentment or an underlying element of competition.
People pleasers who engage in excessive self-deprecating humour may unintentionally drive others away. Others may feel the behaviour is a ploy to gain praise or fish for compliments. It can be particularly uncomfortable if used in a comparison format, such as complimenting someone else’s hair by insulting one’s own.
The pleaser may be trying to make the other person feel good about themselves, but the use of self-deprecation turns it into an awkward situation. The other person feels the need to frame a response that is supportive and mutually complimentary, while not seeming conceited. It can quickly become weird and uncomfortable.
Sometimes people pleasers can inadvertently come across as insincere. It may be that the pleaser is simply trying too hard or overdoing it. This behaviour can create a rift in relationships and make others feel like they are not seeing the real you. Even though the pleasing behaviour is borne out of a desire to connect and be loved, it can come across as artificial; no one can please everyone all the time. No one is “on” all the time, and if one tries to pretend that they are, it often shows.
Moving Away from People-Pleasing May Help
The simple solution is, “stop being a people pleaser,” right? That is far easier said than done, since these behaviours come from many years of ingrained patterns, sometimes stemming from childhood or the development of one’s sense of self.
Reducing one’s role as a people pleaser is an important growth task, but it is likely to require time and attention to the ways in which you interact with yourself and others. A good way to start is through examining your motives in relationships.
- Am I presenting my true self and representing my own needs?
- Do I give excessively in comparison to what I get in this relationship?
- In conversations, do I insult myself while complimenting others?
- In work or volunteer settings, do I take on more than others or say yes when I need or want to say no?
The root of people pleasing is connection, and often the very behaviours that are meant to draw people in are inadvertently driving them away. When you step back from the desire to please others and present yourself honestly in the world, you will connect more authentically without compromising yourself in the process.
[This blog post originally appeared on Teyhou’s website www.livingwithfinesse.com ~ some content may have been modified for the UK & Irish context.]